Interviewer: Sorry for the technical problems we were having earlier. This is a new experience for us.
Moon: Yeah. Yeah. It’s fine.
Interviewer: So it’s great to talk to you! I’ve been looking at your face all my life and I’m just now hearing your voice for the first time.
Moon: That’s not my face.
Moon: That’s just asteroid craters that vaguely correspond to the holes in a human face. It’s actually my ass. Why would I want to spend all my time looking at the earth?
Interviewer: That’s a fair point. Many human scientists say that you originated in a collision between earth and a hypothetical planet called Theia. Can you comment on that?
Moon: Yeah, I hear that all the time. The so-called Giant Impact Hypothesis. It’s bullshit. There was no Theia. I saw what the earth was about and I left. Never looked back.
Interviewer: You left voluntarily?
Moon: For sure. 100% my decision. I like my privacy. And the view from down there isn’t as good.
Interviewer: So what was it like when earth astronauts would visit you a few decades ago?
Interviewer: What’s a typical day like for you?
Moon: …the fuck is a “day”?
Interviewer: How do you spend your time?
Moon: Oh. Well, I really don’t do a lot. I do core strengthening exercises. I watch the stars. I consider myself to be a kind of parole officer of the stars. If I don’t watch them, they get into all kinds of trouble. But they really want to go straight and act right. They rely on my supervision to help them achieve their goals and suppress their worst desires. They’re good at heart, but they need someone to keep an eye on them.
Interviewer: Do you have any kind of enforcement power over the stars?
Moon: Watching them is enough. Stars have a sense of pride.
Interviewer: Do you have any contact with other moons?
Moon: [Laughter.] Well that’s a whole keg of worms. I used to be tight with Triton, but then he decided he was actually a dwarf planet and got pretty full of himself. Suddenly he didn’t have any time for the rest of us satellites. Deimos likes to unload on me when he gets sick of Phobos’ shit. I can’t blame him.
Interviewer: How have things changed over the past four billion years?
Moon: Not much. After Uranus and Neptune moved out to the suburbs…let’s just say it was interesting. But things calmed down. I’ve gotten more independent. I started doing pilates and I quit smoking.
Interviewer: Is there anything you’d like to say to the people of earth?
Moon: Not really.